How hard can it be to buy a bikini?

Very fucking hard is how. For starters, I made the schoolgirl error of trying to buy one in July, when naturally the rails are filling with gloves and ski jackets. Admittedly this wasn’t a total shock as the shops have been pulling this stupid six-months-ahead thing for a while now, and I was sneakily hoping it would work to my advantage and I’d be able to pick one up in the sale. But the XXS girls had all the luck on that one, as anything that wasn’t sequinned and push-up only came in random sizes.

And yes, then there’s the sizing. There must be 10 women on the planet who can wear the same size top and bottoms and yet still manufacturers persist with their belief that all women are broad of back and pancake of chest, even though we all wear bras, which you’d think might be a clue to the contrary. But Freya does bikinis in cup sizes, people say to me. You should look at Freya!

But Freya makes the kind of bikinis Judith Chalmers would wear:

That fabric is making my eyes bleed. And don’t get me started on the shape.

Problem number three is that I don’t want to spend a lot of money. After all, we’re talking about two scraps of viscose here. I’ll be wearing it for a total of a week this year (though fairly solidly during that period). But swimwear seems to have gone the way of the handbag, in that for some reason it has become inordinately fucking expensive.

Take this one by Norma Kamali, which I like very much (and seem to remember the cast of Desperate Housewives wearing on the cover of Vanity Fair):

But £300? Really?? For that I’d want the holiday thrown in.

Still, as annoying as bikini shopping is, it’s not as bad as bra shopping.

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